I have recently suffered a seriously destroyed heart (destroyed, because broken doesn't even BEGIN to describe). Not that anyone out there is reading this, but I needed to cleanse the bloody entrails of something so good that just couldn't function no more. I figured the best way to do that was to use the medium in which we had the most in common- music. And, since I'm a child of the '80s, I created a mixtape...something kids today call a playlist.



Humbly, I submit my "Lyrical Tale of Disillusionment, or How I Learned to Be A Big Girl (and big girls don't cry)" mixtape....errr...playlist. The songs, in order, are how I musically and lyrically describe the rollercoaster ride of our relationship, and how devastated I was and how angry and then, just numb...This is going to be long, since I can't post html to save my life, I'm including the lyrics when they are relevant. By the way, the first three songs were "our songs"-he said they said exactly what he felt... fucking asshole. Enjoy!



1: "You Make It Easy" by Air



Never been here - How about you ? You smile at my answer, You've given me the chance, To be held and understood. You leave me laughing without crying, There's no use denying, For many times I've tried, Love has never felt as good. Be it downtown or way up in the air, When your heart's pounding, You know that I'm aware. You make it easy to watch the world with love, You make it easy to let the past be done, You make it easy. How'd you do it ? How'd you find me ? How did I find you ? How can this be true ? To be held and understood. Keep it coming - no one's running The lesson I'm learning' Cause blessings are deserved By the trust that always could Be it downtown or way up in the air, When your heart's pounding, You know that I'm aware. You make it easy to watch the world with love, You make it easy to let the past be done, You make it easy. You make it easy to watch the world with love, You make it easy to let the past be done, You make it easy. So watch me fall in love...

2: "Too Lost In You" by Sugababes

You look into my eyes I go out of my mind I can't see anything' Cuz this love's got me blind I can't help myself I can't break the spell I can't even try I'm in over my head You got under my skin I got no strength at all In the state that I'm in And my knees are weak And my mouth can't speak Fell too far this time Chorus: Baby, I'm too lost in you Caught in you Lost in everything about you So deep, I can't sleep I can't think I just think about the things that you do (you do)I'm too lost in you (Too lost in you) ooh Well you whisper to me And I shiver inside You undo me and move me In ways undefined And you're all I see And you're all I need Help me baby (help me baby) Help me baby (help me now) 'Cuz I'm slipping away Like the sand to the tide Falling into your arms Falling into your eyes If you get too near I might disappear I might lose my mind Chorus: Baby, I'm too lost in you Caught in you Lost in everything about you So deep, I can't sleep I can't think I just think about the things that you do (you do) I'm too lost in you(Too lost in you) I'm going in crazy in love for you baby (I can't eat and I can't sleep) I'm going down like a stone in the sea Yeah, no one can rescue me (No one can rescue me) Oooh, my baby Oooh, baby, baby Chorus: Baby, I'm too lost in you Caught in you Lost in everything about you So deep, I can't sleep I can't think I just think about the things that you do (you do) I'm too lost in you I'm lost in you I'm lost in you I'm lost in everything about you So deep (so deep), I can't sleep I can't think I just think about the things that you do (you do) I'm too lost in you (Too lost in you)

3: "Hypnotized" by Spacemen 3 (I wish I could find the lyrics to this song on the interwebs, but alas...)

4: "You're Makin' Me High" by Toni Braxton

I'll always think of you Inside of my private thoughts I can imagine you Touching my private parts With just the thought of you I cant help but touch myself That's why I want you so bad Just one night of Moonlight, with you there beside me All night, doin it again and again You know I want you so bad Baby, baby, baby, baby Oooh I get so high When I'm around you baby I can touch the sky You make my temperature rise You're makin me high Baby, baby, baby, baby Can't get my mind off you I think I might be obsessed The very thought of you Makes me want to get undressed I wanna be with you In spite of what my heart says I guess I want you too bad All I want is Moonlight, with you there inside me All night, doin it again and again You know I want you so bad Baby, baby, baby, baby Oooh I get so high When I'm around you baby I can touch the sky You make my temperature rise, ooh boy You're makin me high Baby, baby, baby, baby I want to feel your heart and soul inside of me Let's make a deal- you roll, I lick And we can go flying into ecstasy Oh darlin you and me Light my fire Blow my flame Take me, take me, take me away

5: "Spread Your Love" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Spread your love like a fever And don't you ever come down Spread your love like a fever And don't you ever come down I spread my love like a fever I ain't ever coming down (S)he gave me love like a big fire I only saw it once (S)he spread his(er) love like a fever (S)he's bad, but not enough (I'm so low) Spread your love like a fever (I'm so low) And don't you ever come down(I'm so low) Spread your love like a fever (I'm so low) And don't you ever come down I spread my love like a fever I ain't ever coming down (S)he spread his(er) love like a big fire I only saw it once (S)he gave me love like a sister *lol* (S)he's bad, but not enough (I'm so low) Spread your love like a fever (I'm so low) And don't you ever come down (I'm so low) Spread your love like a fever (I'm so low) And don't you ever come down I spread my love like a fever I ain't ever coming down Spread your love like a fever And don't you ever come down Spread your love like a fever And don't you ever come down Spread your love like a fever Spread your love like a fever Spread your love like a fever Spread your love like a fever

6: "Let's Go to Bed" by The Cure

Doo doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo Let me take your hand I'm shaking like milk Turning Turning blue All over the windows and the floors Fires outside in the sky Look as perfect as cats The two of us Together again But it's just the same A stupid game But i don't care if you don't And i don't feel if you don't And i don't want it if you don't And i won't say it If you won't say it first You think you're tired now But wait until three Laughing at the christmas lights You remember from december All of this then back again Another girl Another name Stay alive but stay the same It's just the same A stupid game But i don't care if you don't And i don't feel if you don't And i don't want it if you don't And i won't say it If you won't say it first You can't even see now So you ask me the way You wonder if it's real Because it couldn't be rain Through the right doorway And into the white room It used to be the dust that would lay here When i came here alone Doo doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo Let's go to bed

7: "Bilingual" by Jose Nunez

The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice, Hearing you speak my name, Beckoning me to answer Telling me you want me... So I tell you that you're the answer to every question I've ever had about love. Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of us, Tracing your shadowscape Kneeling before you. my eyes feast upon your masculinity and All its divinity and I praise you- Because all of that is for me. I begin to indulge myself of your delicacies, Digesting semi-sweet dark chocolate decadence as it melts Dripping down my chin- Your taste is something Godiva couldn't re-create... Needing every atom of your anatomy, Necessity has placed upon me knowing you are the source of my serendipity... Dipping in and out of me, stroking more than my consciousness. Subconsciously, I find myself rewinding our love scenes In my daydreams... Seeing that face you make when you're making me cum And it makes me want you right there and then. Thinking of you in inappropriate places I get Tingling sensations in private locations where I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place. As wetness develops my legs begin to open and my spark turns to a backdraft and all I want you to do is extinguish it. You know my body like the back of your hands that touch me and send me into ecstacy. My thighs quiver in anticipation of deep penetration which gets me high. Body rising, Sweating, Panting, Make-up melting, Pulling my hair and Scratching my back- I get a temporary case of tourettes because all I can say are four letter words in a four octave range, screaming your name- ai, papi, eres tan grande y tan duro y me lo dan tan bueno... tu eres me pecado mortal. You fucking me makes me bilingual... I see your tongue pink between your lips and I want it between mine, And I struggle As you lick torturing me- I try to get away, but, Not really... Running out of room, begging for more up, against the wall that has been scuffed by my stilletos... Again. You pry apart my thighs and tell me to be still And I willingly submit to you because I love the way you dominate me. Demanding that I cum for you so I do as I'm told. You've molded me so I'm good to no-one else but you. You've conquered this once orgasmic-less world and multiplied it- Again and Again... My face radiates with after-glow, My pillow scented by you, A fragrance which haunts me. My room smells of the best sex, I... Covered in body prints and finger prints and you above me, Your name written indelibly upon my body in your genetic history. You fucking me makes me bilingual...

8: "God Put a Smile Upon Your Face" by Coldplay

9: "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

We'll Do It All Everything On Our Own We Don't Need Anything Or Anyone If I Lay Here If I Just Lay Here Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget The World? I Don't Quite Know How To Say How I Feel Those Three Words Are Said Too Much They're Not Enough If I Lay Here If I Just Lay Here Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget The World? Forget What We're Told Before We Get Too Old Show Me A Garden That's Bursting Into Life Let's Waste Time Chasing Cars Around Our Heads I Need Your Grace To Remind Me To Find My Own If I Lay Here If I Just Lay Here Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget The World? Forget What We're Told Before We Get Too Old Show Me A Garden That's Bursting Into Life All That I Am All That I Ever Was Is Here In Your Perfect Eyes, They're All I Can See I Don't Know Where Confused About How As Well Just Know That These Things Will Never Change For Us At All If I Lay Here If I Just Lay Here Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget The World?

10: "Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp (this was his ringtone lol)

I get high on a buzz Then a rush when I'm plugged in you I connect When I'm flush You get love when told what to do Wonderful electric Wonderful electric Wonderful electric Cover me in you I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love with a strict machine I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love with a strict machine When you send me a pulse Feel a wave of new love Through me I'm dressed in white noise You know just what I want So please Wonderful electric Wonderful electric Wonderful electric Cover me in you I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love with a strict machine I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love with a strict machine ...

11: "Voices Carry" by 'til tuesday

In the dark, I'd like to read his mind... But I'm frightened of the things I might find. Oh, there must be something he's thinking of To tear him away... When I tell him that I'm falling in love Why does he say? Hush, hush, keep it down now, voices carry... I try so hard not to get upset, Because I know in all the trouble I'll get. Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide, And something to fear and I try so hard to keep it inside So no one can hear,,, Hush, hush, keep it down now, voices carry...He wants me- But only part of the time. He wants me- if he can keep me in line! Hush, hush, keep it down now, voices carry... He said shut up - he said shut up Oh God can't you keep it down? Voices carry... Hush, hush, voices carry... I wish he would let me talk.

12: "Come Undone" by Duran Duran

Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin... I've been waiting for you. Signed, with a home tattoo, "happy birthday to you" was created for you. (can't ever keep from falling apart... at the seams) (cannot believe you're taking my heart... to pieces) Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime, to come undone. Now we'll try to stay blind,to the hope and fear outside..., Hey child- stay wilder than the wind, And blow me in to cry. Who do you need? Who do you love When you come undone? Words, playing me deja vu, like a radio tune I swear I've heard before. Chill, is it something real? or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers... (can't ever keep from falling apart... at the seams) (cannot believe you're taking my heart... to pieces) Lost in a snow filled sky- we'll make it alright to come undone. Now we'll try to stay blind to the hope and fear outside... Hey child- stay wilder than the wind, And blow me in to cry.

13: "Broken" by Seether, featuring Amy Lee

I wanted you to know That I love the way you laugh- I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph, And I know it serves me well. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain...cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, And I don't feel right when you're gone away. You've gone away. You don't feel me here....anymore. The worst is over now, And we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away. There's so much left to learn, And no one left to fight. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain, cause I'm broken when I'm open, And I don’t feel like I am strong enough. Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away...You're gone away... You don't feel me here....anymore.

14: "In the Absence of the Sun" by Duncan Sheik (in spite of everything, this one song is the one that says exactly how I felt...and dammit, still do... it still brings a lump to my throat. I fucking hate him so much for doing this to me.)

For all the good you say it does, It feels no better when you've had your say. You may believe it's just because... The words get colder when you've gone away. I thought I understood What I was to you... I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to say I'm just a friend...I don't want to wait around here 'Cause you don't want to feel no pain again...We just lie about it As we become shadows of ourselves. Some may fear commited lives, I sure am one of them without you. Does it come to you as some surprise? I laid the ground beneath to doubt you. Was it ever, girl, Something you could hold?...I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to say I'm just a friend. I don't want to wait around here 'Cause you don't want to feel no pain again.We just lie about it As we become shadows of ourselves. I don't want to look away, I don't want to be the one denied-It ain't no fault of mine If someone somewhere told you lies...But we don't talk about it, We just become shadows of ourselves.

15: "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey

Here we stand-Worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two. Sleepless nights, Losing ground I'm reaching for you, you, you. Feelin' that it's gone Can change your mind. If we can't go on to survive the tide love divides. Someday love will find you, Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you How we touched And went our separate ways. If he ever hurts you, True love won't desert you. You know i still love you Though we touched And went our separate ways. Troubled times- Caught between confusion and pain, pain, pain Distant eyes, Promises we made were in vain, vain, vain. If you must go, i wish you love. You'll never walk alone, Take care my love...Miss you love. I still love you girl...I really love you girl...And if he ever hurts you, True love won't desert you...No, no...

16: "Don't Speak" by No Doubt

You and me- We used to be together. Every day, together... always... I really feel That I'm losing my best friend-I can't believe This could be the end. It looks as though you're letting go, And if it's real, Well, I don't want to know. Don't speak- I know just what you're saying, So please stop explaining- Don't tell me cause it hurts. Don't speak, I know what you're thinking...I don't need your reasons- Don't tell me cause it hurts. Our memories-They can be inviting, But some are altogether Mighty frightening. As we die, both you and i, With my head in my hands I sit and cry... Don't speak-I know just what you're saying, So please stop explaining- Don't tell me cause it hurts... no no no... Don't speak- I know what you're thinking, And I don't need your reasons- Don't tell me cause it hurts. It's all ending, I gotta stop pretending who we are...You and me-I can see us dying... are we? Don't speak-I know just what you're saying, So please stop explaining-Don't tell me cause it hurts... no no...Don't speak-I know what you're thinking, And I don't need your reasons- Don't tell me cause it hurts...I know you good, I know you good, I know you real good...

17: "Leave the Pieces" by The Wreckers

You're not sure that you love me, But you're not sure enough to let me go- Baby, it ain't fair you know To just keep me hangin' 'round. You say you don't wanna hurt me, Don't want to see my tears- So why are you still standing here Just watching me drown? And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine- Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, Just take your love and hit the road. There's nothing you can do or say, You're gonna break my heart anyway, So just leave the pieces when you go... You can drag out the heartache, Baby you can make it quick. Really- get it over with And just let me move on- Don't concern yourself With this mess you've left for me... I can clean it up, you see, Just as long as you're gone... You're not making up your mind Is killing me and wasting time...I need so much more than that...

18: "Creep" by Radiohead (because he is, and told me that he loved to sing this one when it was karaoke time... how appropriate.)

When you were here before Couldnt look you in the eye. You're just like an angel- Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather In a beautiful world... And I wish I was special- You're so fuckin' special- But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo....What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice When I'm not around... You're so fuckin' special- I wish I was special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. She's running out again, She's running out She's run run run running out...Whatever makes you happy...Whatever you want...You're so fuckin' special- I wish I was special...But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo-What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.

19: "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division (I never quite understood what that meant, til now... )

When the routine bites hard, And ambitions are low, And the resentment rides high, But emotions wont grow, And were changing our ways, Taking different roads... Then love, love will tear us apart- again. Why is the bedroom so cold, Turned away on your side? Is my timing that flawed, Our respect run so dry? Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives... Love, love will tear us apart- again...Do you cry out in your sleep- All my failings exposed? Get a taste in my mouth As desperation takes hold...Is it something so good Just cant function no more? When love, love will tear us apart again...

20: "Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik

I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear- I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears. You really had me going, wishing on a star... But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far. I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn- Well, it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born. There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide- You really can't be serious if you have to ask me why I say good-bye... Cause I am barely breathing, And I can't find the air-I don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day- I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price The price that I would pay...Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about? I used to be so certain and I can't figure out- What is this attraction? I only feel the pain. There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame- Will it ever change? Cause I am barely breathing And I can't find the air- I don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. And I could stand here waiting, A fool for another day- I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price The price that I would pay...But I'm thinking it over anyway...I've come to find I may never know Your changing mind- Is it friend or foe? I rise above Or sink below With every time You come and go... Please don't come and go. Cause I am barely breathing And I can't find the air- I don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. And I could stand here waiting, A fool for another day But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price The price that I would pay...But I'm thinking it over, anyway...

21: "Black" by Pearl Jam

sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay were laid spread out before me as her body once did... all five horizons revolved around her soul, as the earth to the sun...now the air i tasted and breathed has taken a turn. and all i taught her was everything- i know she gave me all that she wore, and now my bitter hands shake beneath the clouds of what was everything all the pictures had all been washed in black, tattooed everything...i take a walk outside, i'm surrounded by some kids at play- i can feel their laughter, so why do i sear? and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, i'm spinning, oh, i'm spinning how quick the sun can drop away and now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything...all the pictures had all been washed in black, tattooed everything...all the love gone bad, turned my world to black tattooed all i see, all that i am, all i'll ever be...i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, but why why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine?

22: "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve

23: "Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5 (even if it's a song about cheating on someone, the chorus said exactly what *I* was feeling. I thank Maroon 5 for venting for me so nicely.)

I Wake Up With Blood-shot Eyes, Struggle To Memorize The Way It Felt Between Your Thighs, the Pleasure That Made You Cry... Feels So Good To Be Bad, Not Worth The Aftermath, After That, After That Try To Get You Back- I Still Don't Have The Reason And You Don't Have The Time And It Really Makes Me Wonder If I Ever Gave A Fuck About You- Give Me Something To Believe In, Cause I Don't Believe In You Anymore, Anymore... I Wonder If It Even Makes A Difference To Try? (yeah) So, This Is Goodbye. Got Them Resting In My Head Decisions That Made My Bed Now I Must Lay In It And Deal With Things I Left Unsaid... I Want To Dive Into You, Forget What You're Going Through I Get Behind, Make You Move- Forget About The Truth... I Still Don't Have The Reason And You Don't Have The Time And It Really Makes Me Wonder If I Ever Gave A Fuck About You. Give Me Something To Believe In, Cause I Don't Believe In You Anymore, Anymore... I Wonder If It Even Makes A Difference, It Even Makes A Difference To Try? And It's Over, Hurt The Feeling- But I Don't Believe It's True Anymore, Anymore- I Wonder If It Even Makes A Difference To Cry? (oh No) So, This Is Goodbye. I've Been Here Before- One Day I'll wake up and It Won't Hurt Anymore. You Caught Me In A Lie, I Have No Alibi -The Word Is Set On How To Mean Me Cause I Still Don't Have The Reason- And You Don't Have The Time... And It Really Makes Me Wonder If I Ever Gave A Fuck About You And I...and So This Is Goodbye... Give Me Something To Believe In, Cause I Don't Believe In You Anymore Anymore. I Wonder If It Even Makes A Difference, It Even Makes A Difference To Try... And It's Over, Hurt The Feeling- But I Don't Believe It's True Anymore Anymore- I Wonder If It Even Makes A Difference To Cry (oh No) So This Is Goodbye...

24: "I Am Over It" by The Dandy Warhols

...only, the truth is, I probably won't ever truly be "over it". But, at least I can say that I've learned something about myself. I'm not sorry that I met him. I am sorry that everything went to shit, but think I am a better person as a result. We did have that really great few days in Chicago at the Peninsula hotel. God, to be spoiled... :) I have never wished him anything but the best, but after all the shit I went through, I'll be happy if I never lay eyes on him again.

Adieu for now,

Alice

update

my my my it's been a long time. I'm such a terrible blogger! that's ok, no one but me reads this anyway...
updates abound, my friend- it has recently been brought to my attention that I'm a lousy cook. ~sigh~ this upset me, considering my newly 15 year old son was the one to tell me this. He's probably right, however, as I really hate cooking. Rest assured I'll strive to keep up my low standards :)

On another note- I have now experienced the other side of the tracks, meaning I've finally hung out in gay bars with my newly discovered gay friend.

SO. MUCH. FUN. And what better people to hang out with- they love Duran Duran as much as I do! LOL

I even got complimented on my ass by 2 gay men, and THEY KNOW. :)

I have to say, however, that this is not something I enjoy doing with my better half and I don't know why...he's fun, he's hip, he's with-it...he even watches 'the gay shows' (as he refers to them) with me. I think I like to think of it as 'girls night out', not 'drag your hubby to the lesbian bar' night... Now the dilemma is can I continue to hang out with the gays and fit in, being straight and all? Well, not TECHNICALLY straight- I have had leanings for a long time, and I would probably date a woman if I wasn't married with 3 kids, but this is the path I've chosen. I know that the GLBT community as a whole tends NOT to trust those who refer to themselves as bi, but maybe I'm a special case? who knows... I'm still enjoying myself too much to care.

how the tables have turned

Two weekends ago I attended my church youth group reunion. It's been 13 years since I had seen some of these people, so naturally it was with mixed feelings that I attended. I realised that I missed my friends, but certainly not the church- some things never change. It was seeing my old best friend, however, that was most telling. We had a falling out about 13 years ago over something ridiculous and hadn't spoken since. We're both very stubborn. Needless to say there were no hard feelings between us- I think she's missed me as much as I've missed her, so it was nice to touch base again and 'be friends' once more.
Fast-forward one week and I'm at my old friends' house. I was without children for the weekend so it was a perfect opportunity to start again. We chit-chatted and laughed about old times, then she floored me with a touch of sensitivity that I wasn't aware she possesed. She looked at me, smiling, and said, "You know? It's been so long and so much has happened since then, but it doesn't feel like a day has passed." I heartily agreed with her, and for a moment I think we were both a tad uncomfortable as our teenage selves emerged, unsure of what to make of such warmth.

Then she told me she was gay.
When did THAT happen?????

so yeah...

I'm once again musing about musing, and listening to music that takes me back probably too far for my own good. I need a place to randomize those thoughts that tickle me, so here I am...


thus far, nothing beckons.
story of my life.
I'll come back later with interesting things, I promise.